We all feel like we've performed at a stadium

It’s like you’re almost on a stage in a stadium, presenting your best work in front of your strongest critiques.  You want to be comfortable and confident so bad but your body reacts like a stubborn child, it just doesn't register, it just can’t register; Even when you feel the slightest taste of control, it turns the saliva in your mouth sour before your mind can even register a memory of sweetness. The thing called “it” in this case is the hovering weight of stress on your shoulders.

 Even people around you start to notice your step is heavy at times, you tell yourself you have dropped the load until you realize you've only changed position but by this time you’re on your knees. Now it becomes a thing of using everything you have left to fight the weakness.

Solutions can be  a tricky thing, perhaps the thought that there is no current  sensible solution for the calculations you have  made up in your mind (consisting of everything that is and everything that you think should be) has made you to retreat  and this overwhelming sense of tiredness  lullabies  you into a mental state of “deep sleep”. 

  We just eliminate the idea that perhaps this stress is endurable, perhaps my ability and strength to endure and overcome is the foundation of my solution though we are told this far too many times it almost seems robotic “be strong” “strong woman” “superman” “you can do this”  ruling out every feeling of belief and ultimately the effectiveness of these words on us, on our situations, on our perceptions.

We develop our coping mechanisms, praying, music, eating, reading sometimes but no matter how many chiamanda ngozi books I read the feeling of empowerment still remains temporary.

Temporary a term very relevant to the majority of things and feelings.

 A term very relevant to right now,  the belief and understanding that the weight, the stress,  the situation is in fact temporary brings me face to face with the foundation of my solution. “Next week my assignment will be in, next month will be filled with festivities and greatness, the month after that will be a new year”.

I've realized stress and situations reoccur but  the solution lies in the understanding that they are both temporary which means they are overcome able, which means I am looking up even when life’s got me on my knees because I know there is solution in my understanding and acceptance of that.

I decided to start my first ever blog today, today was what one would call a very long day, I start this blog restless and on my knees with nothing to say.

Now I’m eating biscuits, listening to music prepping to read my new ngozi adichie book and smiling very gratefully at the words before me,

 I wish you all beautiful weekends.