Labels

There are so many things to touch on; 

Not knowing where to start from, issues are never ending,

so many of us need to come to an understanding of this.

In so many religious accounts of the creation of sex (man, woman) the man is labelled as the carrier of burden, the worker, the grafter and the earner. When I was younger I was taught this actually was the woman, everyone in and surrounding my life seemed to ooze independence. This in itself was a bitter sweet experience because as much as the need to appreciate the strength of the woman is real and prevalent I can't help to feel like this placed a label on me.

Sometimes I feel as though being prepped for when the man fails. Being prepped for when the time comes that one will need to erase the remains of what was ever the committed support of a man. 

I think about the course of my young life, the closed minded arguments and views that I carried in my heart genuinely believing and I wonder how many other women out there are like me.

Discovering that being strong doesn't necessarily mean arming yourself with walls tall enough to keep out the possibility of hurt of pain and if this is how life as always been, how could you ever love, whole heartedly and givingly when constantly in a battle with possibility ?

When you scream passionately and supportingly about close minded perspectives on the idea of feminism what are you arguing for ?

It maybe because when once young and open, you were branded, labelled by circumstance and by experience before even having a chance to explore this. 

So when you argue swearing to not be like bitter population.

When you argue swearing that you have grown from experience.

It's actually a cry out of the desire to live unbranded, unlabelled and open.

There was once a time I touched my womb believing my strength, independence, experience would make me a great teacher to my offspring, but sometimes I feel like it would be hard to teach without labelling my daughters. 

And what of my sons ? How do I teach them to be something I never was. When I have only perceived life as I am, woman in all my ways.

 They say 'We become mothers in the womb of our mothers'..

In our bosoms we carry natures call..

Quenching the thirst of the soil, that the land may multiply..

Self-cleansed milk leaking out of sore nips into pursed lips whilst 

nursing bloodied thighs and cracked hips..

We become mothers in the womb of our mothers.. even before life shows us what woman is.. 

Imagine being the nest of 6 million eggs..

Before even learning what woman is. 

Whilst still learning how to survive in this thing called life,

Yet to exercise instruments of breath

But on the tree of life,my body is the branch, my uterus, the nest. 

See I was destined to be a mother since the day of conception, 

How do I then teach my seeds what a father is?

Coma

I stopped writing.

I stopped writing because i couldn't hear you speak anymore 

and everything wasn't worth writing about anymore.

My throat like a dry well under desperate eyes, 

salivated mouths.

I wrote about salivated mouths and false concepts of love.

I tried to make love a funk between my thighs 

 but no matter how many rituals i performed

it still stunk between my thighs.

A fragrance of premature masculinity and false theory.

My womb a well of mystery 

mysteries addictive than any substance, anything bad.

I wrapped myself (my legs) around the possibility of reciprocity

but even respect didn't respect me enough to say thank you,

desire mistaken for respect.

Love me, build me, desire me.

I'll work hard, i'll serve, i'll listen

Just

Don't

Fire

Me.

Even if this love tires me,

I will take my yawns and make a bed out of time.

If I should ever awake from this, coma

while the aroma of loneliness chokes me

and the arms of compromise revoke me

I will wander in the wilderness

crafting nests out of wounds,

raising love out of tombs 

so that i may soar on wings like an eagle.

We all feel like we've performed at a stadium

It’s like you’re almost on a stage in a stadium, presenting your best work in front of your strongest critiques.  You want to be comfortable and confident so bad but your body reacts like a stubborn child, it just doesn't register, it just can’t register; Even when you feel the slightest taste of control, it turns the saliva in your mouth sour before your mind can even register a memory of sweetness. The thing called “it” in this case is the hovering weight of stress on your shoulders.

 Even people around you start to notice your step is heavy at times, you tell yourself you have dropped the load until you realize you've only changed position but by this time you’re on your knees. Now it becomes a thing of using everything you have left to fight the weakness.

Solutions can be  a tricky thing, perhaps the thought that there is no current  sensible solution for the calculations you have  made up in your mind (consisting of everything that is and everything that you think should be) has made you to retreat  and this overwhelming sense of tiredness  lullabies  you into a mental state of “deep sleep”. 

  We just eliminate the idea that perhaps this stress is endurable, perhaps my ability and strength to endure and overcome is the foundation of my solution though we are told this far too many times it almost seems robotic “be strong” “strong woman” “superman” “you can do this”  ruling out every feeling of belief and ultimately the effectiveness of these words on us, on our situations, on our perceptions.

We develop our coping mechanisms, praying, music, eating, reading sometimes but no matter how many chiamanda ngozi books I read the feeling of empowerment still remains temporary.

Temporary a term very relevant to the majority of things and feelings.

 A term very relevant to right now,  the belief and understanding that the weight, the stress,  the situation is in fact temporary brings me face to face with the foundation of my solution. “Next week my assignment will be in, next month will be filled with festivities and greatness, the month after that will be a new year”.

I've realized stress and situations reoccur but  the solution lies in the understanding that they are both temporary which means they are overcome able, which means I am looking up even when life’s got me on my knees because I know there is solution in my understanding and acceptance of that.

I decided to start my first ever blog today, today was what one would call a very long day, I start this blog restless and on my knees with nothing to say.

Now I’m eating biscuits, listening to music prepping to read my new ngozi adichie book and smiling very gratefully at the words before me,

 I wish you all beautiful weekends.